Well, this has been a week. I've only allowed myself to process a bit of i; I tend to do that over time (or obsess all at once; there is no in-between).
I won a title. It is my first title with a crown, although I have won other distinctions before (Master of Comedy for PA Burlypicks... with the same act no less). Mr. Hollywood Burlesque 2019/2020 (they actually do the competition every 2 years so technically I'm a 2-year-runner). Holy damn.
The competition was one evening of the Hollywood Burlesque Festival, and part of the larger community support that I felt all weekend. I was tentative, scared even, that I would walk into a show (if I ever got a show) in California and realize that for the last 13 years wouldn't work here for whatever reason. I'd just be done. I made efforts, connections, and friends thru California Burlypicks and that soothed me but until I worked with Brandy Snifter and Tito Bonito (and was invited BACK, which is key), I couldn't assume I'd have a place here.
& I do. and It's beautiful and amazing and humbling. I did my signature act, Digital Get Down, and while I sometimes fear I'm riding that horse too insistently, I got good notices and good remarks (applause on my way -to- the dressing room from the cast) afterward. About a hour later, I was getting a crown and the title, and a sash!, and looking at my husband in the audience, and just... so pleased. I was just happy.
I initially want to disassociate and say "awards aren't everything," or "it was a shot in three," or "whatever I can do to discredit myself hooray." But I've worked hard, everyone worked hard, and it wasn't the crown that cinched a great weekend. It was Veronica Voss, winner of the Ms. title, saying "Welcome to Los Angeles," like she knew I needed that movie trailer moment. It was the performers I worked with who were awesome to me -before- I won anything. It was the whole wonderful night.
I had to call it an earlier one; my husband and I celebrated with McDonalds and I took a healing shower and watched The Simpsons. I needed that decompression (and fuck, my feet hurt). & I had to remind myself: I'll see everyone soon. I live here now. I'm around; they'll say hi back.
There are more complicated feelings that I have about my self worth, where I am, what I'm doing, the state of things, and my own producing at that, but they get to wait for a minute.
I think I'm doing ok.
♪ Daphne Rubin-Vega -- "Squeal"